Last week, Amy and I were finally able to sit alone together and begin to process through our feelings… not like we aren’t unfiltered normally... but it was just good to just be together... and vent. All these mixed feelings… denial, uncertainty and frustration. She knows she can't deny the reality of this diagnosis (MS – now just two weeks old)... but we'd rather not have to deal with it.
In a letter to friends and family several days ago, I said,
"For a reason only known to Him, God has blessed us with this disease to steward as we walk with him. For those of you that might have a hard time wrapping your mind around that statement... that's ok. What I mean is that that while we firmly believe that God did not "curse" us with this disease, he did allow it. We live in a fallen broken, hurting world - and in an imperfect world, imperfect things happen. This is even more evidence that we are ALL desperate for a Savior... it's just that some days we notice more than others."
While I believe this whole heartedly... it still hurts...
I normally think out loud and am blessed by the transparent talks with those closest to me... Amy talks too... but she's more contemplative; then talks when she's ready to share. (Although, when she arrives at the place where she’s ready to talk.. she just emotionally vomits. J You can check out her thoughts here.)
In the last week or so, things are beginning to get back to a sense of normalcy… I’m finding it a little less cumbersome to stay focused on my seminary studies, the kids will FINALLY be getting back to school tomorrow (2/18) after “Snowpocalypse” kept them from school for just shy of two weeks… and Amy has eased back into a lighter work schedule as of last Friday.
It has been a roller coaster and we know that we’ll have more ups and downs, obstacles and new adventures ahead. We’re just taking it one step at a time.
As the noise has settled some - we have begun the long process of recalibrating our vantage point and gaining clarity with this new perspective. It’s not easy however, a recent note from a close friend has been especially meaningful:
"I never realized before how much becoming more like Jesus requires of us to suffer the pain of this life as He did. That makes sense to me, but living in the experience is different than simply reading about it in Scripture."
Let me first say that God is a God of healing and restoration… and we are relentlessly pursuing His throne for that… However, we both know that God may have different things planned, which he will endure with us. Not only does God know us better than we know ourselves, but he knows what pain and suffering is infinitely more than we do. It is true that this illness may not affect Amy’s daily life for a long time (some Doctors and other MS Patients we’ve talked to have led active healthy lives for decades!) That said, regardless of the outcome, we want are asking that God strengthen us and shape us through this (2Cor. 12:9-10) so that others truly see Him for who He is.
Walking with God requires obedience and submission… and even though I would rather that Amy NOT have to bear this weight… I know that God has bigger and better plans… as we walk with Him, one step at a time.