More Refining...

Amy is beginning day 5 in the hospital.  Don't be too worried though... we're praying she has a seizure. I know... weird request - I would have never thought in all my life I'd be asking God for that.  

However, since she's hooked up to an EEG24/7 so the doctors can monitor her brain activity to isolate where the seizures are originating.. THEN they can discern a treatment plan.

As you may know she was on track to begin MS treatments soon, but on Wednesday afternoon March 13 Amy had a seizure.  It only affected her right side of her body and lasted about 30 seconds, but to her it felt like an eternity.  She was paralyzed with fear having no idea what was going on or how to stop it.  What was worse, she was walking home from our local YMCA and in the middle of a grassy area... alone.  She'd fumbled for her phone to call 911 but the experience ended almost as quickly as it had begun.  By the time a distant bystander had run over to help her, Amy was able to regain her composure and decided to walk home.  (That's Amy for ya! :) )I was home studying unaware of anything that had just happened so when she walked in the door and headed to take a shower I didn't come in to talk to her until she sat down to eat something.

When she said, "I think I just had a seizure" I picked up the phone immediately to call her Doctor.  Her doctor at first seemed to think it was an isolated event, but ordered an appointment with another Neurologist for the following Tuesday (3/19).

The next few days were filled with all kinds of additional questions as we waited for the appointment.  We were both on edge... feeling an array of emotions - anger, anxiousness, what about her job?  will I still be able to graduate in June?  should I go get a job now?  disability paperwork? will it be short term, long term?  is this how life will be from now on? Aaahhhggghh.... what do we do!??

So... after we settled down some... we went for another run on Friday (and began to think the seizure was an isolated event)  we had a good weekend with family in NJ and PA and waited to see the Neurologist on the following Tuesday.

On Monday afternoon (3/18)we went for another 5mi run and it felt great. ... Until 20 min later Amy seized again.  Same side, same length of time.  Crap.  now what!!...

We then knew it wasn't an isolated event and we knew it could be exercised induced.  Amy was crushed... she loves to run... has loved it for the last 15 years.  C'mon, God... what are you doing?! The next couple days were extra hard.  We went to the neurologist appt... but we were not really "together"... this was all so sudden... so... so... debilitating.  feeling powerless...unable to make any sense of this at all.  By Wednesday we were existing together...I wanted to help, but could only just "remain" with her... (see John 15:1-13 for what I mean)  She was hurting... and I couldn't fix her.  I prayed some more... begging God to heal her heart and her body...  The neurologist that we'd seen on Tuesday said that her only option was to go for a long term EEG test so they could tell exactly what was happening in her brain during the seizure so they could then treat it... it was  a tough call... she'd began to wonder if she just gave up running - the thing she loves so much - that she could go back to work by the weekend.

On Thursday night (3/21) I took Sasha and TK with me to a dinner/prayer time at my school.  We got home around 8.. then Amy and I were able to talk some more.  It was a good time together... just sitting at our kitchen table trying to process all of this reconnecting and praying together... we felt good about moving forward - until...

...minutes after we wrapped up our talk and started to clean up the table... Amy felt the "aura" and she seized again.  Same side, same length of time... followed by a much deeper feeling of powerlessness... now it was really unpredictable.

She headed to bed and I wrote a letter to the neurologist asking about a bed for the long term EEG... in some ways it felt good to get her assessed... but in so many other ways... it felt like we were conceding... So that brings us to today Tue (3/26)...as I said, she's just begun day 5 of waiting to have a seizure so the doctors can figure out what's causing it and how to treat it. As you may guess the last few weeks... especially the last several days have been very difficult, but God has shown us some snapshots that have blessed us tremendously:  We have been blessed by friends taking care of the kids so Amy and I can be together... we've been blessed by friends who encourage us and hold us accountable... we've been blessed by stories of others who are realizing their own desperateness in other ways and are reaching out toward Jesus outstretched arms... we have been so blessed by The Body of Christ who are standing in the gap for us and holding us when when can't stand.

We have also been blessed by the response of our kids... Kenni is stepping up huge and helping me with the younger three.. she has been an incredible help!...Last Thursday night I took Sasha and Tariku with me to school to the dinner and prayer time.  I wanted to go to be with other brothers and sisters that I could pray with and be encouraged by ....and hoping that Amy would feel a little less chaos at home if two of the kids were with me.

I'd planned on sitting at a back table that night, but Sasha pranced right up to the front table with TK bouncing right behind.  At first I was a little unnerved, but I must admit it was cool for Sasha to sit right next to the Dean of our Seminary.  (Afterall, Dr Fombelle is a great man and another favorite professor.)  Sash and TK were their usual joyous selves at dinner chatting away with my fellow fledgling theologians... and then it was time to pray.  When the announcement came, who jumped to pray first?   "Dear jesus, thank you for this day, please bless my mommy, help her get better, thank you for my family and for Daddy's school... oh and bless this food, AMEN."  ... it was a good thing my eyes were closed during Tariku's prayer... even though they were red and wet when I opened them.  the kids sat nicely during Dr. Fombelle's talk as well... even if I did have to bribe them with a few cookies.

At this point, we are still waiting for answers... and we are still praying and trusting. This morning I read Ps. 9:10 which says,"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Ps. 9:10

That is a promise from God.  No matter where you are, or what you believe God will NEVER break his promises.  While it may APPEAR that God is distant, has broken promises, or just feels like he's not even there ... he is still God and he's still in control.  He's not left.  We live in a messed up world and the fact is that we're all desperate, it's just some days we realize it more than others.After reading that verse in Psalms, this thought came to mind...  We "live for" alot of things... but so many of them really - in the grand scheme of things - won't last and have very little value.  Sure, they last temporarily --  house, cars, wealth, prestige, power, even relationships get broken, and so does our health... -- what really matters?  when you think about your legacy... what is it that will last forever.  When the things of this life get stripped away, you find out  who you really are... but more importantly -who God really is - and you can see that He is still God and that he still has all things in his loving care.

I may write more about it later, but this weekend we celebrate Easter.  The Life, Death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ is the single greatest event in History.  Please.. If you don't normally go to church, find a church local to you and learn about the REAL reason for life-changing Peace and Joy - regardless of your circumstances! 

If you're local to us here in Central CT there are a number of good churches in our area. if you don't have a church home, join our family at New Life Church in Meriden or if you're in Middletown check out Catalyst Church.  If you're closer to East Hampton check out, Hope Church.  Go and listen ... your life will never be the same.

 In closing, we are unable to express the breadth of our thanks for those of you who have been serving us in such awesome ways.  It means so much.  (I do wonder if there might be someone that would want to read a few hundred pages for me and write up some 'cliff's notes' so i could spend some time with Amy... if so, that would be great.)
 
Seriously, We're doing ok...I think rather than feeling overwhelmed and getting blown away by the storm, we're putting our heads into the wind and marching on - together. We're together in this and we're realizing more areas where God is refining us even more... we don't like it, we wouldn't wish it on anyone else... but we're certain that God knows what he's doing.

For our kids... it's all in how we present what we know.. we're not hiding anything and we're not keeping them from the struggle.  They're in this with us...and we are grateful for the invaluable lessons that God is teaching them through this experience as well. 

For me I think that God is showing me how much he loves me by caring for Amy... especially in the areas where I am truly unable to do so.

For Amy... she's doing well - she's an incredible woman and we here at #teamzipf can't wait for her to be well and home.  She's anxious for this to be over too. She wants to get back to life too, but she knows that this refining time is good for her as well. It's not easy, but she has the "peace that passes all understanding" and takes confidence in the fact that God is still on the throne and He will lead us through this... together.

Onward,
Pete

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Rom. 15:13

#teamzipf adventures

I created this originally for Amy for Valentine's Day but it's a fun look at our adventures from over the last year.

one step at a time

Last week, Amy and I were finally able to sit alone together and begin to process through our feelings… not like we aren’t unfiltered normally... but it was just good to just be together... and vent. All these mixed feelings… denial, uncertainty and frustration. She knows she can't deny the reality of this diagnosis (MS – now just two weeks old)... but we'd rather not have to deal with it.

In a letter to friends and family several days ago, I said,

"For a reason only known to Him, God has blessed us with this disease to steward as we walk with him. For those of you that might have a hard time wrapping your mind around that statement... that's ok. What I mean is that that while we firmly believe that God did not "curse" us with this disease, he did allow it. We live in a fallen broken, hurting world - and in an imperfect world, imperfect things happen. This is even more evidence that we are ALL desperate for a Savior... it's just that some days we notice more than others."

While I believe this whole heartedly... it still hurts...

I normally think out loud and am blessed by the transparent talks with those closest to me... Amy talks too... but she's more contemplative; then talks when she's ready to share. (Although, when she arrives at the place where she’s ready to talk.. she just emotionally vomits. J You can check out her thoughts here.)

In the last week or so, things are beginning to get back to a sense of normalcy… I’m finding it a little less cumbersome to stay focused on my seminary studies, the kids will FINALLY be getting back to school tomorrow (2/18) after “Snowpocalypse” kept them from school for just shy of two weeks… and Amy has eased back into a lighter work schedule as of last Friday.

It has been a roller coaster and we know that we’ll have more ups and downs, obstacles and new adventures ahead. We’re just taking it one step at a time.

As the noise has settled some - we have begun the long process of recalibrating our vantage point and gaining clarity with this new perspective. It’s not easy however, a recent note from a close friend has been especially meaningful:

"I never realized before how much becoming more like Jesus requires of us to suffer the pain of this life as He did. That makes sense to me, but living in the experience is different than simply reading about it in Scripture."

Let me first say that God is a God of healing and restoration… and we are relentlessly pursuing His throne for that… However, we both know that God may have different things planned, which he will endure with us. Not only does God know us better than we know ourselves, but he knows what pain and suffering is infinitely more than we do. It is true that this illness may not affect Amy’s daily life for a long time (some Doctors and other MS Patients we’ve talked to have led active healthy lives for decades!) That said, regardless of the outcome, we want are asking that God strengthen us and shape us through this (2Cor. 12:9-10) so that others truly see Him for who He is.

Walking with God requires obedience and submission… and even though I would rather that Amy NOT have to bear this weight… I know that God has bigger and better plans… as we walk with Him, one step at a time.

I just couldn't stay in my chair.. she needed me.

I had just prayed with the girls before they went to bed and came out of their room to pick up around the house.  I came back to my laptop to do some work and heard pages turning in the girls' room.  If it wasn't already way past the time she needed to sleep I would have let her read some more, but I walked in and asked for Kenni's flashlight and told her to put her book away.  I wasn't harsh and spoke softly, but I was direct and I guess that combined with her feeling ashamed for being "caught" (good grief, it was only reading, right?... I supposed I should be glad she was trying to get in another chapter before her eyes fell shut.)  Anyway... she put her book in between the mattress and bed frame and hung her head.  I consoled her again... told her I loved her and said that she needed to get to sleep. 

Not five minutes later I was at my desk doing some work and heard her crying... it wasn't just weepy tears... it was that sobbing sound down in her gut.  For just a moment i thought... I'll talk to her in the morning... she'll be ok.  I knew she was tired and I knew we'd talk about it later... I sat at my desk thinking she'll be ok...  but I just couldn't stay in my chair.  I went back in her room... I didn't need to say anymore than I already did, but just hugged her while she sobbed... she was embarrassed and tired... I knew she didn't want to disappoint me... I just needed her to know that I love her and that I will love and protect her with all my heart no matter what.

Dads: I'm not perfect either... but there's too much at stake in our little girls lives for us not to storm the gates for them every day.  If we don't love and lead them well... they will look in futility for some other guy to fill that role... Guys: no other guy can do your job as, DAD.  YOU have to do it.  If you don't do ANYTHING else in life... do that job right. 

Aiming for Extraordinary

In light of the state of our nation, our status with the rest of the world, the priorities our culture deems as most important, in the midst of a culture that encourages thoughtless debt, our increasingly litigious society in a country filled with unethical businesses and politicians (on both sides of the isle) -- all being watched by generation of adolescents that will bear the weight of the choices that the "mature" make today... I'd like to encourage fellow parents with the following thoughts:

If you are self motivated and pursued significant steps in your career or just with life in general -train your kids... challenge them to do the same. They won't learn it by spectating. Don't allow them to sit on the couch for hours at a time while you "provide the life you've always wanted for them." If you aren't intentional, if you don't hold them accountable, they won't get it... it's harder, but it's worth it.

I do not believe I have all the answers...and I don't believe that the specific direction that my wife and I are leading our family will achieve perfect results. I'm terribly flawed and am incredibly appreciative of the wisdom shared by those that help to refine my life. However, after seeing so much potential be wasted... I refuse to take the easy route.

Our previous generations have had the best intentions to provide "a better life" for their children.. the only problem is that we've created a generation of those who don't understand the value of dollar, the hard work that goes into it, and the struggle that is required to achieve the goals and milestones to gain the wisdom and maturity to know how valuable that process its. don't settle for what everyone else claims is acceptable... the last I checked... Status Quo didn't achieve extraordinary.

What changes do you need to make personally?

What changes will you make with your family time? 

What are the goals you're pursuing with your kids? 

What will achieving those goals produce... really?

We're on a relentless pursuit... and we'd love to learn from you... how are you leading your kids to be exceptional?

What are you willing to change to pursue extraordinary?  

Are you with us?

(See: Dt. 6:6-9, Joshua 24:15, Rom. 12:1-2, Heb. 4:12, 1Cor. 9:24-25, Heb. 12:1-2,)

Coffee with The Lord

I am always refreshed by my time alone with God.  It's often difficult for me to clear my mind and not feel pressed to work on something else- but I am always refreshed by my time with him.
Reading today: Acts 13-16

Miraculous Mission, by way of the Dungeon

Acts 12:1-11 shares the account of what Peter believed would be his final day. Peter must have been certain of His death. He may have had a certain confidence about it... but even though he was convinced of God's faithfulness, he had to have been anxious too.  Who'd blame him?! Herod had just executed James - one of Peter's closest friends and the reaction of the Jews was so great that Herod decided to capitalize on another popularity boost. Knowing something of Peter's personality, he probably prayed and shared The Gospel with his guards, believing that this time would be his last opportunity to preach the Word.

1 It was about this time that King Herod arrested some who belonged to the church, intending to persecute them.2 He had James, the brother of John, put to death with the sword.3 When he saw that this met with approval among the Jews, he proceeded to seize Peter also. This happened during the Festival of Unleavened Bread.4 After arresting him, he put him in prison, handing him over to be guarded by four squads of four soldiers each. Herod intended to bring him out for public trial after the Passover. 5 So Peter was kept in prison, but the church was earnestly praying to God for him. 6 The night before Herod was to bring him to trial, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, and sentries stood guard at the entrance.7 Suddenly an angel of the Lord appeared and a light shone in the cell. He struck Peter on the side and woke him up. "Quick, get up!" he said, and the chains fell off Peter's wrists. 8 Then the angel said to him, "Put on your clothes and sandals." And Peter did so. "Wrap your cloak around you and follow me," the angel told him.9 Peter followed him out of the prison, but he had no idea that what the angel was doing was really happening; he thought he was seeing a vision.10 They passed the first and second guards and came to the iron gate leading to the city. It opened for them by itself, and they went through it. When they had walked the length of one street, suddenly the angel left him. 11 Then Peter came to himself and said, "Now I know without a doubt that the Lord has sent his angel and rescued me from Herod's clutches and from everything the Jewish people were hoping would happen." 

The rest of the story shares how Peter found himself alone on the city street after the Angel left him.  (Almost as if to say, "Ok you're free, don't just stand there... you've got more work to do!")  So Peter strolls over to a friends house and knocks on the door. (this next part is a riot....)  Peter knocks on the door of the home where all his friends are praying for his release.  When the servant girl answers the door and sees him, then she runs back -leaving Peter still outside the gate - and interrupts the prayer time to tell everyone that their friend is standing at the door - but they don't believe her!  Incensed, they all probably return to their knees to continue with their prayer.  However, they had a very different reaction when moments later, Peter is standing next to the servant girl in their living room.

All his friends were "astonished".  Peter quieted them, and "described how the Lord had brought him out of prison".  When he was done, he asked them to pass his words on to James (1/2 brother of Jesus) and he left... "for another place" and continued another 25 years of incredible ministry!

We have to trust that while we're in the Dungeon, God still has a Miraculous Mission ahead.